Why hate your parents

The end makers : When children betray their parents

Rosi Prömper has lost her son. In other words, he's actually still alive. But it has been lost to her.

She had made an appointment with her son, he was there in his mid-twenties. When she rang the doorbell at his apartment, he just didn't answer: “I heard him inside, but he didn't open the door. I knocked, called his name and ... he turned the music up. "

Since then, her son has been playing dead, says Prömper. “He didn't answer. So I wrote. Went again. Nothing. I wrote over and over again without ever getting an answer.

Silence, silence, no answer

Rosi Prömper lives in Berlin, has grown tall, is staying upright, speaks a very West German, Rhineland German. Tell jokes with a serious face. Celebrating her 70th soon, but could also go for 50, wrinkle-free, her hair dyed dark, dark red. To this day, Ms. Prömper knows neither the reason nor the reason why her son broke off contact. She got no explanation. No anger, no accusations of what a bad mother she was, just: silence. Silence. No Answer. Your son just took himself out of her life. And every Christmas for three hours with Grandma pretends everything is okay.

Today Prömper leads a self-help group for parents whose children have broken off contact. Since her phone number can be found on the Internet, she has received at least one call every week from a mother or father whose child no longer answers.

"This is a constant topic in the practices"

Why is it when children break off contact with their parents? And is the impression that more and more people are withdrawing, that the number of broken contacts is increasing?

The psychotherapist Claudia Haarmann is convinced of this. Although there are no official figures and very little literature on them. “This is a constant issue in the practices,” she says. Haarmann himself wrote a book about these family tragedies after more and more parents and children had turned to them, the title: Broken contact - children and parents who fall silent.

Every family is a small universe

"Most children who break off contact with their parents love their parents," says Claudia Haarmann. "They are loyal to them for a long time, but at some point they have no other choice within the subject: They feel so pressured, so abandoned, so overwhelmed that they simply cannot stay in contact unless they lose themselves." The reasons for the sudden silence are as varied as the relationships between parents and children: Every family is a small universe with its own gravity, its own rules of the game.

Haarmann analyzes family constellations in which the causes for broken contacts can be found: When children become a vehicle for their parents' unsatisfied longings. Or when they lack support and security and try to make their parents happy themselves. Or when children are denied their autonomy and self-determination, ie when they are “over-loved”, mostly unconsciously, certainly, but no less suffocating because of that.

Suddenly the conflict becomes conscious

“If a family atmosphere is problematic,” says Haarmann, “then it's just as god given for the children, it's normal and there is no question at all. But, and that is one of the reasons why the number of dropped contacts is increasing, the now adult children get more and more with, in partnerships or friendships, outside of the family, how a nourishing, security and security-giving relationship can feel. " that young people exchanged ideas more, inform themselves about psychology, about therapeutic approaches. "At some point they notice that things are very problematic at home, suddenly they become aware of a conflict that was unconscious."

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