Can trust ever be rebuilt in marriage?
Build trust after lying - 4 tips to regain trust
Trust is one of the most important foundations for a relationship.
It strengthens the emotional bond in the partnership and gives the respective partner support. If trust is broken, however, distrust arises.
Restoring confidence is not an easy task and takes a lot of time and patience. But it is necessary if you want to save your relationship. Because without trust you will not be happy in the long run.
In this article, you will learn how to rebuild trust after lying or cheating.
What does trust mean in a relationship?
A relationship cannot work without trust. You are a team and stand together against the rest of the world in good and bad times. You share secrets, memories and fears.
At home, with your partner, you want to be able to let yourself go. But for this to work, so that your home is not another place where you have to think carefully about what you can and cannot say, trust in the other is the basis.
You can only feel safe if you trust your partner. And this is exactly why a breach of trust in the relationship is such a big problem.
What happens in the event of a breach of trust?
If the trust is broken in a relationship, the betrayed partner will in any case question the whole relationship. It's very hard to love someone you don't trust.
The disappointment caused by the breach of trust usually leads to reproaches, arguments and often ends in a toxic relationship and later in the relationship.
Because a breach of trust leaves behind deep emotional wounds at the partner. In a partnership, we break down the walls that otherwise protect us from disappointment in our relationships. This requires a particularly strong level of trust.
This ensures that you are particularly close in a relationship. However, it also means that a breach of trust is particularly painful and is often difficult to forgive.
How quickly a partner can forgive and build trust again, or whether that is even possible, differs from person to person.
How is trust rebuilt?
Well that depends on whether you, who are reading this right now, are the one who has committed the breach of trust or the one who has to forgive.
Are you the one whose trust is gone?
Then you can do two things.
- You can wait for your partner to behave better in the future. As long as you don't want to break up, that's definitely part of the process
- If you also want to do something yourself to improve your chances, my recommendation is to make sure that you understand your partner better
We all have specific needs in relationships. The problem is that we don't have the same ones and that often leads to problems. Especially when we don't understand our partner's.
In my Relationship Boost course, you will learn to understand your partner much better and to ensure that you can have a better relationship in the future.
That alone won't be enough to rebuild your confidence. This also needs your partner. But it will help ensure that you have a better relationship while building trust again. And that in the future you will die security got to know what your partner is about in your relationship really needs. This significantly reduces the risk of another breach of trust.
-> Here you can find out more about the course
Is it you who screwed up?
Then the following steps can help you:
1. Do our interactive self-analysis
The lies in your relationship certainly have a history. In our experience, in any relationship that gets into trouble, the partners make one of 7 mistakes in their communication.
We call these mistakes "Relationship brakes", because no matter what else you do ... As long as you don't release these brakes, you can put as much energy into building trust in your relationship as you want. It won't do much good. It's like stepping on the gas in your car and standing on the brakes at the same time ...
But the good thing is that in less than 60 seconds we can identify which is the biggest brake on your relationship. All you have to do is answer a few simple questions in our interactive situation analysis and we will show you what the biggest brake on your relationship is and how you can fix it.
2. Investigate motivations
In order to regain your partner's trust, you should think about what the reason was that led you to risk the trust placed in you:
- Did you lie to your partner so as not to hurt him / her?
- Do you feel pressured by him?
- Do you feel like he doesn't understand you?
- Are you missing something in your relationship ..?
- Was the breach of trust just a slip-up, or are you perhaps trying to sabotage the relationship yourself because you are unhappy?
This will give you clarity about your motives and give you the opportunity to improve something in the relationship.
The goal here is not to find a reason that you can hold against your partner ("Just because you ... I have ..." is guaranteed to make everything worse). The point is to understand yourself better so that you can make your situation understandable to your partner and so that you can find ways to credibly ensure that such a breach of trust does not happen again.
3. Have an open conversation
Bring up the conversation with your partner and admit that you made a mistake and that you are sorry.
Explain to him or her why you lied. Talk about your feelings from your point of view.
You cannot expect to be forgiven directly. But it is absolutely necessary for your partner to better understand the causes and how the situation made you feel so that he or she will be able to forgive you at some point.
I recommend you be really honest in this situation. If the scope of the situation is not yet entirely clear and you continue to keep secrets here that will later be revealed, you will also gamble away the rest of the goodwill that your partner may still have at the moment.
Because it takes time until new trust grows and further breaches of trust can make healing completely impossible.
In any case, you should show understanding for the feelings of the other person in the conversation and show that you can understand his or her hurt.
Together you should then think about what the next steps can look like.
4. Focus on making the relationship more beautiful
Depending on how hurt your partner is and how well he or she can forgive, it will take a long time after your conversation to restore trust.
You will have to earn it by not committing any further breaches of trust. The more clearly you show that you are acting trustworthy, the faster your relationship will get back on track.
You can also do this on a small scale by sticking to agreements and perhaps communicating much more openly than before the breach of trust. There is definitely no place in your relationship for secrecy in the near future, because that will make your partner's distrust break out again very quickly.
But what a very big difference can do is how you make the relationship more beautiful in everyday life. How to show your partner how important the relationship is to you. My recommendation for this is my journal Back on Cloud 7, which has already helped tens of thousands of couples to have a more loving and trusting relationship again.
5 tips to build new trust in your relationship
Tip 1: more communication in the relationship
Nothing is more important than loving communication in a partnership. If real conversations have been the exception for you lately and it's mostly about jobs and kids, then you should spend more time together again. It is best to take at least 10-15 minutes every evening in which you simply talk - without cell phones.
And so that you don't just keep quiet during this time, I can recommend my free mini dates. These are conversation inspirations and date night ideas for couples that you get every week by email.
- Click here for the mini dates
Tip 2: give your partner time
Getting betrayed by your partner really hurts. It's an emotional hurt that many don't just put up with.
And just like a broken leg takes time to heal, so will your partner need time before he or she can trust you again.
How long depends on your partner. You shouldn't make the mistake of asking after a short while that it should be enough now.
Unfortunately, forgiveness can only be given voluntarily. It cannot be demanded.
Tip 3: be reliable
Let's do it mathematically:
Trust = Reliability * Time
In the end, it is theoretically not that difficult to rebuild trust after lying. You "just" have to remain reliably trustworthy. And the longer you are, the more trust in you will increase.
The problem is, depending on how injured your partner is, the time factor can be quite big. But no matter how big it is, you will only regain trust if you reliably earn it.
And that starts with the little things. So try to keep your word when it comes to small things.
Because even if it might seem like a trifle to you, it can mean a lot to your partner. And even if it's not that important, every promise you keep brings you back a few points on the trust scale.
Tip 4: Always be honest
Who doesn't know the little white lies. While some like to stretch the truth a little when it would otherwise look bad, others also stand by the truth in such situations.
Basically, I am always in favor of staying with the truth. That simply makes your life easier in the long run. But just when you want to rebuild lost trust, you can't allow yourself to be dishonest.
Maybe you know the halo effect. Basically, it means that if your relationship is going well, your partner will assume that you did the right thing, even in problematic situations. Unfortunately, this effect reverses after a loss of confidence.
Any indication of dishonesty will now outweigh positive behavior. And make it so much harder for you to regain trust. So if you've screwed up something, also stand by it on a small scale, because this is the only way your partner can get back the trust that you are honest with him or her.
Tip 5: get support
What would you do if you had a plant that was about to die and you really wanted to save it?
You would probably look for tips or, in the best case, ask a professional about the topic. It's also a good idea for relationships (and that's why you're here). The problem with your partnership, however, is that the information alone is not enough. It's all about how you behave in everyday life.
And if you've ever tried to lose weight, or exercised regularly, to no avail, you know how difficult it is to change your behavior. Even if you actually know exactly what would be good for you.
The help that I have developed myself for exactly this problem is my relationship journal Back to Cloud 7. If you really want to change your behavior in everyday life, then I can highly recommend the journal to you.
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