Who is the father of psychology

What is a bad father : ... and later to the therapist

The father as a better mother

Martin Teising, psychoanalyst from Berlin: “How people suffer from their fathers is of course very individual. But there are patterns that recur. For example, that fathers paid little attention to them. That leads to the question: why wasn't I worth it? Then there are male patients who feel terribly beaten down by their fathers. Perhaps the fathers had a rivalry problem with them. But we also have patients who are already in adulthood and who are still longing to finally get recognition from their father.

But now there are also fathers who act as if they were better mothers. It can also be observed that parents refuse to be a parent by negating that they belong to another generation. She wants to make herself the children's best friends. This can affect the children's independence development. It is part of dealing with parents during puberty. To set something against them in order to make parts of the parents' way of life their own again after this phase, but in a self-determined way.

It is of course beneficial for parents and their adult children when their relationship is based on partnership. But one should be aware that in history there has always been a need to differentiate between the young and the old. It is part of human culture that the next generation lives differently from the previous one. This is how development comes about. Incidentally, this is one of the main distinguishing features of animals.

The father relationship is important for both sexes. Children need fathers who protect them, encourage them and give them security. And which give you an answer to the question: Where do I come from?

We are a product of the encounter between two people. That is why we are always interested: What were these people like? How did they differ? How did they treat each other?

Therefore, strictly speaking, there are no absent fathers or mothers for our psyche, even if children grow up with single parents. The missing parent is present in the imagination. It is disadvantageous for children if the parent present devalues ​​the absent parent. For example, if a single mother lives with a boy, the question is: what image of the father does she convey - is he someone who also has something good to offer? Or someone who has failed completely. If a devaluation is generalized - so are the men ‘- it will certainly not be easy for the boy, who has to develop a male identity himself.

It is beneficial when children experience parents who value each other. Children see that besides their mother, to put it bluntly, there is another kind of person who offers an alternative. Some authors speak of a maternal and a paternal principle. So being a mother means saying yes, father means saying no. The maternal principle means caring for a person. The fatherly principle means to challenge a person in order to promote him. This attribution is not related to biological sex. What is meant are two principles that are embodied by the two parents. It couldn't be any other way: every mother who lifts the child from her breast is already saying 'No'. A, no ‘can be a drive. The rivalry with the same-sex parent can also move you forward if the competition is carried by the basic feeling of appreciation. "

The choleric father as a career engine

Volker Reinken, psychiatrist from Baden-Württemberg: “In our clinic, we often treat executives from business, politics and civil service who suffer from stress-related illnesses, anxiety or depression. In our treatment we often see a classic family pattern: a choleric father, whom the family does everything right, so as not to upset him. The vigilance and adjustment that a child inevitably learns makes them ideal for a career. In order to permanently exceed one's performance limits, to neglect one's own needs, a huge motor is required. Something from childhood or adolescence that needs to be compensated for. In the place of the true self, a compensation pattern gradually takes place, which is fed by money and recognition. This pattern exists in both men and women.

Often the trigger for the depression is a shaking of the compensation pattern: for example, a termination. This is often infinitely embarrassing for patients. They often react to their shame with aggression.

We do not need the real father for therapy, because it is the inner father that one hears speaking to oneself. It is also not a question of distancing oneself completely from one's father, or even demonizing him, but rather of taking the sharpness of his image. This gives patients more healthy leeway. In the course of therapy, people with this personality structure often developed into model patients: charismatic, willing to learn. They often apply the inner driver that led them to top performance to therapy as well. The danger now exists that they have not worked on their inner driver. This is exactly what we have to pay attention to during treatment. "

The father as an event manager on the weekend

Björn Süfke, psychologist from Bielefeld: “I have been working in the men's counseling center in Bielefeld for 18 years. Most of our clients do not have the problem that they were hurt or otherwise wrongly treated by their father, but that they did not get through to him emotionally. I often look into a big father hole.

This emotional absence of fathers has devastating effects on the mental health of men. I am talking about the normal male population and not men who have severe psychological problems.

It starts at the age of four or five, at an age when boys and girls alike can live out joy, sadness or anger unfiltered. When fathers don't show their feelings, they are subconsciously prohibiting their sons from having those feelings. The boys definitely see expressions of emotion in their mother and sister. From this they conclude that feelings are typically feminine. You develop mechanisms to split off feelings from yourself. Psychologically, that's a huge problem: it makes you sick.

I don't want to blame the fathers: For example, the generation that went to war can't help it that they couldn't get out of themselves. Today, many fathers claim to meet their children emotionally. But they are still at home much less often than the mothers. When such fathers meet their children briefly at eight in the evening, they often pretend to be funny and easy-going types. Or as an event manager on the weekend. But that is not enough. So I think the term quality time is also psychologically nonsense: The talk that it is supposedly not about spending a lot of time together, but that this time is a great one. This is window dressing. I also have to be temporally present in the lowlands of everyday life. Otherwise there will be no situations in which my son can experience me with completely normal emotions.

For boys it is even more serious when fathers are absent than for girls. The father alone is the role model for the boy's gender identity.

In therapy, I always take on the role of a father a little. I guide the men to regain access to their feelings. I also sometimes report on my own feelings. This is fundamentally different from what a female therapist would do. The client has seen women report their feelings a thousand times. They can have some. But a man? In addition, someone who - from the client's point of view - has made it ‘. That already has a great effect. "

Now new: We give you 4 weeks of Tagesspiegel Plus! To home page