Why should you work on your marriage

Saving marriage: 11 tips for parents in crisis

Was it somehow better before? More passion. More attention and simply more time for each other in front of the children. Your relationship just doesn't feel that good anymore. One can ask the question: can our marriage still be saved?

Relationships and marriages are as individual as the people who lead them. Therefore, there cannot be a marriage-saving-for-all program. Because the reasons why you no longer feel comfortable in your partnership can be incredibly diverse. The good news is that there are many relationship problems that can be resolved. The bad thing is that saving a marriage is always associated with work - with work on yourself. And, as is well known, most of us often find it particularly difficult.

When can a marriage still be saved?

This is an incredibly difficult question that everyone has to answer for themselves in the end. But if you are thinking about saving your marriage, that is a good sign that there is still something to be saved. Since a partnership always consists of two people (sometimes more, which in turn can raise the question “Can my marriage still be saved?”), The marriage problem cannot be solved alone. In most cases, this only leads to frustration. Because when things don't go smoothly in a marriage, it is rarely enough for just one partner to kneel in and try to revive the relationship. To save a marriage, both partners must pull together.

5 reasons to save your marriage

1. love

You argue all the time and are annoyed with each other, but when asked about love, does both of you still give a (clear) YES? Then you have the best conditions to save your marriage.

2. Trust and Security

Once the trust in the partner is gone, it is difficult to restore it. But it's not impossible. Anyone who still feels safe and secure in their relationship (but rubs against other things) has good reasons and prerequisites to save their marriage.

3. Annoying habits

The longer you are together, the better you get to know each other. This not only applies to the good sides, but also to the many small and large quirks and habits. And over time, these can drive you further and further insane and raise the question of why you are with this annoying person in the first place. If the background to this question is really just quirks and the like, there is a good chance the marriage will be saved. Because hand on heart - we all have our quirks: Nobody is perfect!

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4. Common goals in life

Parents in particular have already experienced a lot together - many positive as well as negative. This welds together, but also creates more friction and tension, which leads to disputes and disagreements. But if you not only have a common past, but can also see a common future, you don't have to give up your marriage immediately. If the life plans of both partners have not completely diverged from each other (e.g. one of them absolutely wants to emigrate, but the other clearly sees his future in the semi-detached house with his own parents in Hintertupfingen), there is a good basis for the relationship to continue

5. The children

Children should not be the only reason to keep a dysfunctional relationship going. But children can be a good reason to at least try to save the marriage - if there are other promising points for the continuation of the relationship. However, children are unsuitable as the sole reason to save the marriage. Because children have a keen sense for discrepancies and hidden emotions. And when they feel that their parents are persistently unhappy, so are they.

How can I save my marriage?

No therapy can fix a broken marriage. Even if love has completely disappeared in one or both partners, it becomes difficult to save the relationship. But if there is still a spark of love for the other somewhere in you and they may be buried under no matter how much everyday stress and nerves there is, there is a good chance that you can become happy together again.

The key to saving the marriage is communication. This does not necessarily have to take place under the supervision of a couples therapist, but this can help break down deadlocked negative communication patterns and enable the mutual conversation again. Often it is precisely this great knowledge of each other inside and out of a long relationship that leads to the fact that you no longer really listen to each other because you think you already know what the other is saying. You subconsciously place a filter of experience over the actions of the other and thus influence your own perception of the partner. Especially if there are already differences, not necessarily in a positive sense.

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So try to get into conversation with each other again. Arrange fixed dates for couples to talk and consciously spend time together. Don't be too proud to seek help together if you notice that communication is no longer working so well. In some cases, a therapy session is enough to spark the conversation again. In other cases more support is needed - but that doesn't mean that it can't work out in the end.

11 tips to save your marriage

  1. Consciously take time for one another. Keyword: couple dates!
  2. Talk to each other - not just about the children or everyday business
  3. Don't put all the topics on the table at once. One topic per conversation.
  4. Make a list of what you value about your partner.
  5. Be honest, but not offensive.
  6. Try to put your feelings into words without drawing conclusions about the other person.
  7. Don't give up when it gets tough. Saving a marriage is work for everyone involved
  8. Give yourselves time. Most serious relationship problems cannot be resolved with a conversation. Not even with two. But with constant communication.
  9. Understand each other, even if it is very difficult in the case of major misconduct (affair, etc.).
  10. Keep the kids out!
  11. Seek external help in the form of a couple therapist if you can't get any further on your own.
Do we fit together? This test will tell you!

Couples Therapy To Save Marriage? Without me!

It often happens that a partner is not very keen on couples therapy. Many find it uncomfortable to wash “dirty laundry” in front of others or to talk about their feelings. In addition to persuasion, it can also help to look for a suitable form of therapy and therapist together. There are many different models and not everyone is comfortable with every approach.

Of course, it can also work to give the partner an ultimatum, according to the motto: “Either therapy together or I'm gone!”. But that should rather be the last resort, because the willingness and interest in a solution to the relationship problems should be present in both partners in order to save the marriage successfully.

Can a Child Save a Marriage?

Yes and no! One child alone does not save a marriage. But children can be a great motivator not to give up too quickly and to really exhaust all possibilities to turn the relationship back on.

Many couples try to mend cracks in their marriage that arose after the first child with a second child. This attempt usually fails, at least unless additional measures are taken. Here too, communication is the key!

Loving ones stay: Family needs parents who think more about themselves

Incidentally, a study has found that couples are particularly dissatisfied with their lives after the birth of their first child. At birth, couples in love become parents, life is completely upside down. According to the scientists working with Mikko Myrskylä from the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, especially educated couples over 30 have serious problems. This is probably why many couples decide not to have a second child. Mikko Myrskylä also has good news: "Despite the dissatisfaction after the first child, up to two children in total and in the long term have a positive effect on happiness in life". So don't give up if you are more unhappy with your life and your relationship after the birth of your child than before - you are definitely not alone AND it will get better again!

When is it better to part!

While there are good reasons to give your marriage another chance and not throw the gun in the grain too soon (or into the arms of a new partner), there are definitely times when you should definitely break up. This is always the case when violence against yourself or your children is involved, regardless of whether it is of a physical or psychological nature. If the relationship is toxic and hurtful, you don't have to (want to) save your marriage. Because in some cases it is better for everyone involved to go! If you decide to break up - here you will find our tips against separation pain!

Test: Should we save our marriage or should we separate?

Ride more roller coaster!

Every relationship is unique. This also applies to the problems of interpersonal relationships. Therefore there is no one-fits-all solution to save a marriage. Unfortunately. Most couples therapists can agree on one important point that is the key to a functioning relationship: communication! Therefore talk to each other - not just when your differences seem insurmountable, but before. Always. Preferably every day. Talk about your feelings, your needs, your desires and your goals. The latter in particular is important so that you know where you are heading your life together.

At some point I read that it is important for a long, happy relationship that you experience new and exciting things together - that welds you together. The brain does not distinguish whether the partner is responsible for the adrenaline and serotonin release or the roller coaster ride. But when your partner is with you at this moment, he connects this state with him. This is how the brain saves the relationship as exciting and interesting and we also feel our partnership that way. The little tricks of the brain! So: Ride more of a roller coaster than a couple, not an emotional one, but a real one!

Of course, I realize that a roller coaster ride or a bungee jump is not a broken relationship e.g. B. after an affair, can save. Profound problems cannot be solved with it. But for everyone who is simply stuck in the daily grind and slowly but steadily slipping into dissatisfaction with their partnership, the tip is definitely worth a try!

 

Image source: Getty Images / skynesher

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