What do you want from your children
The 10 most common parenting mistakes
Upbringing is not an abstract philosophical art for me, but what I automatically do with my children all day. Most of time no pedagogical feats, more of a muddle through. I don't think about it much and I am happy when we can get through the day reasonably peacefully. After all, my children do not sit nicely and wait until I have analyzed, articulated and solved our problems according to the textbook. you fidget, scream, romp, sulk - I always have to act. Quickly and easily according to feeling, mood or mind. Depending on what comes to mind.
I say sentences that I never wanted to say
Surely that's not the worst; we usually get along very well with each other. My husband and I are after all no drill monsters with senior teacher allure from yesterday, none anti-authoritarian sissies and certainly none Raven parentswho neglect their children. We love our little ones. Still, there are moments when I would be stupid if someone held a mirror up to me.
Then I saysentences that are of no educational valuethat I never really wanted to say. I threaten withDeprivation of love or deceive indifference to get my way. Sometimes I take out my children in a bad mood, even though they can't help it. I reject her because she is mine get someones nerve. I expect too much or don't trust them enough. I have the feeling that I am always there for them. But when I add up the time that I actually spend with them and not next to them, my balance sheet turns out to be terrifying.
Only permanent mistakes harm the children
There is certainly a lot that needs to be improved. But how do I do it? Quite simply, say education experts. I don't have to drive myself crazy, just Avoid permanent mistakes. Everyone is allowed to cheat a little. After all, nobody is perfect. Whether I am overwhelming my children a little today, am in a bad mood for a few hours tomorrow and spoiling them the day after tomorrow - not that bad. As long as I have none of these errors around the clock and a whole child's life make. If I can do that, hardly anything can go wrong. Here are the ten most important rules:
1st rule: Remain loving
"We like you, even if we criticize you."
Error: Parents rise to the role of victim and think: Why do the children have to fight, for example, for trivial reasons, even though we forbid it? Why don't they hear despite admonitions? Threats probably no longer work. So they do this to annoy us. Only in the case of serious punishments ("Then Mommy no longer loves you") they are quiet.
Why is that bad? Withdrawal of love as a means of education is particularly painful. Children cannot trust when adults can withdraw it at any time. Besides, it's a lie. Anyone who threatens to do so makes himself implausible.
Better: Mothers and fathers should always signal: "We love you, but in this case we don't like your behavior at all."
2nd rule: show interest
"If you want, you can ask me for advice."
Error: "Why should I struggle, discuss, endure contradictions and arguments?" Parents plagued ask themselves and think: Even without this anger, our everyday life is stressful enough. Let the child deal with his problems himself. I used to be sent away if I didn't obey. So, kids, do what you want, but leave us alone.
Why is that bad? Anyone who shows his child that he is indifferent provokes that the child tries out whether this is really true. It pushes boundaries and soon does things worse than what parents intended to punish.
Better: Even if something goes wrong, keep looking for contact - even if it doesn't work. For example: "You don't believe me, but I only wanted to help you because I love you. If you want, you can always ask me for advice."
3rd rule: explain consistently
"I will convince you without patronizing you."
Error: Annoyed parents make it easy for themselves when they think they don't have to explain anything to their child. They believe: explaining once is enough. We have our principles and we determine where to go. Otherwise the children will dance around us. It doesn't matter whether a child is six or sixteen.
Why is that bad? Without explanation, children cannot understand why they should adopt their parents' values. Education then becomes dressage. At best, the child reacts as desired when the parents are present, but breaks out as soon as he is alone.
Better: Convince your child of your ideas. Even when things have to be done quickly, children have a right to explanations. In a pinch, you can also do what I say now, tonight we will discuss it in peace and think how it will work better next time.
4th rule: have confidence
"Try it alone first."
Error: Our child should have a good life, think pampering parents. Because we used to have to help a lot around the house ourselves, we would like to spare our children that. We brought the little ones into the world so that they would be happy and would therefore like to spare them frustration, disappointment and failure. We remove all obstacles for them.
Why is that bad? A child who is spoiled too much has just as hard life later as a neglected one. Children need challenges in order to be able to deal with conflicts, to become independent and happy.
Better: If a child is to do something they cannot yet do, they need encouragement and help. For example, with a sentence like: "Try it alone first, and if you don't get along, we'll help you."
5th rule: clear roles
"You are my child and not my buddy."
Error: Some parents mistake their child for a little buddy. I'm so happy that I have it, I don't need a partner anymore. I can talk to him about so many things. It understands me like an adult.
Why is that bad? For children, parents are the most important people. They do everything to please them. If necessary, they even deal with the problems of the big ones, but no longer pay attention to their own needs. This means that they are missing out on development opportunities.
Better:Different rules apply to a good parent-child relationship than to a couple. Big and small people are not equal. Rather, teach your child how to get along with their peers.
6th rule: Money doesn't make you happy
"I'll take care of you instead of buying you a lot."
Error: Parents tend to see everyday problems as a result of lack of money. If we had a big house, the kids wouldn't be so aggressive. The little ones would be better off with new toys like the ones the children in the neighborhood have. If we had a bigger car, we could experience more.
Why is that bad? Anyone who thinks this way assumes that money can replace love and thus fails to understand the real needs of children. Parents in particular who are financially tight often try to calm their guilty conscience with overcrowded children's rooms.
Better: Basic needs for love, time, body contact, play and exercise can be satisfied without a big bank account and are more important for development than property.
7th rule: Learn and let play
"You can learn a lot, but you should also have enough time to play."
Error: Ballet dancing, playing the piano, learning foreign languages early and standing on the court in the great tennis club - children can't do that early enough, believe overzealous parents. To achieve this, they work hard and are convinced: the more, the better. And if the kids don't feel like it, we have to force them to do it. They will be grateful to us later.
Why is that bad? At an early age, children do what their parents ask them to do so as not to disappoint them. But at the latest in puberty they break out, want to do their own things and slip away from their parents. Too much funding for the future comes at the expense of the present.
Better: Even if it is good for children to do sports or play an instrument, not all of their free time should be scheduled. The little ones also need time to play and do nothing.
8th rule: quality instead of quantity
"I take time for you - no matter what."
Error: "What am I not doing for the children?" Parents ask themselves, counting up: I work for them, clean, tidy up, drive them around, shop, wash and cook. So it's clear that I can't deal with them as well.
Why is that bad? Anyone who as a child only ever hears from their parents "Unfortunately we don't have time" feels neglected and at some point will look for other caregivers. That doesn't mean the grown-ups should play with the little ones all day. Even those who have little time can use it. Because it's about quality and not quantity.
Better: Fixed rituals such as "In the evening I come to you on the edge of the bed to talk, read, cuddle or sing", weekend trips or vacations can always be arranged.
9. Rule decisions without arbitrariness
"Yes or no? I don't make that dependent on my mood "
Error: “I'm only human too. If something goes wrong, my anger has to get out. Then it hits the children - whether they have something to do with it or not. "Moody parents often promise themselves to make up for it later, then suddenly appear surprisingly generous and allow everything.
Why is that bad? With moody parents, children never know where they stand. Her little world remains unpredictable for her. And that makes you unsafe. The child learns: “No matter what I do, it has no effect. I'm helpless."
Better: Give your child clarity: “Even when I'm in a good mood, you are not allowed to do everything. And if I feel bad for reasons that have nothing to do with you, be a little lenient. "
10th rule: enough physical contact
"You can decide when you want to cuddle."
Error: Fight playfully with your siblings? No, the children should rather be quiet. Cuddling with mom? Embarrassing beyond baby age. Romp and fight with dad? He never has time. The growing debates about sexual abuse can also lead parents to hold back. But those who refuse to cuddle, press, hug or stroke the head are doing their child a disservice.
Why is that bad? Children look for and need physical contact in order to feel safe and secure. This is the basis for a healthy development that makes you courageous and self-confident.
Better: Parents are on the safe side if they only comply with requests for contact when they come from the child. The little ones show their parents when they want to cuddle and when they feel uncomfortable with physical contact. The big guys should respect that.
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